Shall We Begin?‍

‍I have been working on something new lately and I’m finding it all-consuming in the best ways. I just finished filming two one-time couples therapy sessions for teaching purposes. And I’ve invited some of the best therapists in the world to dissect my work—the good and the bad—next month at my annual training conference Sessions Live. I’m told most people find the idea of being watched and critiqued this way terrifying. For me, it’s a return to my roots. ‍

‍Nearly forty years ago, when I began my training in Boston, I saw a one-way mirror for the first time. Inside the room, a therapy session was underway. Behind the mirror, I stood there with other trainees, listening to our teacher say things like “observe how she looked away from her husband” and “see how the child needs reassurance.” Sometimes he would pick up a telephone and the phone inside the room would ring. The therapist-in-training would pick it up to listen to the teacher strategize in real time. (To be clear, this type of live training is only done with full consent of the patients.)

‍The first time I was in the therapy room, I looked at the silver surface reflecting the scene back to me. I felt myself, my patients, and my work not only being observed, but perceived. I had never felt so exposed and vulnerable. That is, until I started taping my sessions to watch them back while my teachers and peers repeatedly paused the tape to reflect on the work and probe my intentions. Imagine a football coach but replace touchdowns with touching moments and interceptions with interventions.

‍I studied like this for four years. Watching others, being watched, and watching myself was profound. Memory can edit or omit but raw video has an unmistakable truth. It was an educational community with honesty at its core. The space we occupied together was full of purpose and meaning and learning. It was as challenging as it was supportive. We were there to become better therapists and we could only do it together.  ‍

I learned to live with the vulnerability of being observed. Honestly, I did feel nervous many, many times, but I’m an experiential learner. It worked for me. And I came to see the other side of it, too: it wasn’t just the students learning. It was our teachers as well. They were there to extract the inherent wisdom and experience of the student. And that made vulnerability more comfortable. We were all there, together, to develop our personal skills and styles.‍

We asked each other questions: Who do you want to be in this room? What part of you do you bring to this session? What’s your understanding of the problem? How do you deal with your own anxiety and what is evoked in you by what the patients tell you? What do you do when you become aware that you’re not a good fit for someone? What do you do when the therapy is stagnating? These questions are no less relevant for me today. And nothing beats being in a group of colleagues who are ready to discuss these issues together. ‍

‍New therapists ask me all the time how I learned to do what I do. My answer is always: by continuing to learn, and especially from people who work with different approaches than my own. I now run training groups myself. I make a point of including diverse practitioners, from body-oriented therapists to those who work with psychedelics. We have psychoanalysts and emotionally-focused therapists. We have sex therapists and trauma specialists. And they all come from a range of racial, cultural, and religious backgrounds. I learned early that community is fundamental in this work. But to put a finer point on it, the diversity of that community—both professionally and personally—is critical. It has improved me as a therapist by shining a light on blindspots and mistaken assumptions. The vulnerability required can be scary, but it’s essential. ‍

‍On November 5th, you are invited to join me to see this rich and holistic live training experience up close and personal. On my podcast, “Where Should We Begin?,” you hear me in my role as therapist. In my virtual conference, Sessions Live 2022, you’ll see me as the student I have always been, learning from some of my most respected colleagues. Learn more about my annual clinical training event for therapists, coaches, and mental health professionals here. This kind of training exists all over the world behind closed doors. As always, I’m excited to open that door to you.‍

‍Let’s Turn the Lens on You 

• What kind of a learner are you?
• What educational practices have been most helpful to you?
• How would you describe your experience with asking for help? 
• When you have a problem, to whom do you turn? 
• What kind of a helper are you? 
• What is the role of community support for you? 

More From Esther‍

‍“I couldn’t listen anymore and I snapped.” / a newsletter

After decades of practice, I have learned that I can be critical about my work without falling into a slump of self-criticism, but it helps to be reminded. Read on to learn how my supervision group helped me reframe my “bad therapy” session as a learning opportunity.

‍“I Don’t Mean To Be Mean But….” / a podcast episode‍

Listen to Season 5, episode 4 of “Where Should We Begin?,” referenced in the story above. She has no boundaries; he’s walled off. And their opposing communication styles cause immediate tension in this explosive session.

‍“Inviting Vulnerability” / a newsletter

If we want our partner to be vulnerable with us, we have to accept that true vulnerability is not a mandate. It’s a possible outcome that grows out of closeness and trust. And there is more than one way to develop that.

‍Conversation Starters

A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information

‍I’m Reading:

• “Mental Health is Political” by Danielle Carr (The New York Times)
• “Evolution” by Joan Silber (The New Yorker)
• “Reading Betty Friedan After the Fall of Roe” by Lyz Lenz (Men Yell at Me newsletter)

‍I’m Watching:

• France, a film by Bruno Dumont
• Hold Me Tight, a film by Mathieu Amalric
• The Hand of God, a film by Paolo Sorrentino
• The Whale, a film by Darren Aronofsky‍
• 300 el x 50 el x 30 el, a play by FC Bergman

Shall We Begin?‍

Last year, I became enraptured by a social media post that seemed as if it could have come out of one of my couples’ therapy sessions. A middle-aged pilot announced “I’m sad to share that I’m ending my marriage. She’s pushed me too far this time. I won’t let my company force me to get the vaccine, why would I let my wife?” ‍

‍Comments flooded in. Everything from “good for you, stand your ground,” to “just get the jab, it’s not worth it to put your kids through this.” Earnestly, he responded to hundreds of comments, each time giving more context. It was full-blown crowd-sourced therapy.‍

A career pilot, he had been laid off not because he didn’t want a corporation telling him what to do with his body. The more they pushed, the more he dug in. His wife, a career nurse in an emergency room hard-hit by Covid-19, was now threatening to kick him out. ‍

‍More comments: “think about how many people she has seen die, only to come home to a stubborn husband who won’t acknowledge her reality.” In his responses, he is sad. He loves her. He tells the story of how they met, why they fell in love; this, too, is part of the story of their end. 

‍In his twenties, he had let a medical condition go unchecked, landing him in her emergency room. She had been taking care of him ever since. But, when they became polarized over the vaccine, the line between care and control started to blur. He felt that she wasn’t acknowledging his reality. He emphasized the risks he had read online. She focused on safety and the danger of disinformation. “She makes me feel stupid,” he shared. “I’m not stupid, I’m scared.” 

‍Spoiler alert: this couple wasn’t just fighting about a vaccine. They were debating two different social, political, and psychological worlds. The vaccine debate has died down now, giving us a chance to analyze how it played out among couples. And that’s helpful. Because the polarization has shifted on to other issues. From abortion to climate change to gun control, these issues are real and personal. But they also are vessels for a lot of other emotions. 

‍Couples polarize around all kinds of values. Should we spend the holidays with your parents or mine? If we share finances, do we need to ask permission for personal spending? I’m used to hearing these stories in my office. But the clashes around social values within couples, families, colleagues, and friends have taken on a fresh pitch. ‍

Long-standing patterns in our relationships come to a head in these arguments. If you listen closely to a screaming couple, you will hear feelings around respect, recognition, control, trust, care, and power. Too often, clashing couples focus only on the surface. That can leave us feeling that, not only are we living in a world that’s gone mad, we’re living with a person we no longer recognize. ‍

‍Modern romance doesn’t pay much attention to “values clarification” until there is “values crisis.” But it doesn’t mean we have to stay in crisis mode. My advice to couples at a crossroads over issues rooted in values is this: step away from the content of the argument for a moment and consider the form. 

• Communicate respectfully. 
• Demonstrate curiosity and, dare I say, empathy for their position. 
• Consider if you are trying to win at home because you feel out of control elsewhere. 

I was so taken with this post online because it was like a fresco of our current reality, in many of our homes and certainly in our society-at-large. It captured the fallout and debris that this era has had on so many peoples’ most intimate relationships. I appreciated how rare it was to see strangers rally together online, trying (somewhat) to put politics aside to help a friend save his marriage. I hadn’t thought about that post and its comments for awhile. Recently, I checked in. Their relationship status is “married.” In pictures, they’re playing together with their kids. One can never tell what’s really going on in someone’s personal life just by looking at social media. But last week, when he posted a throwback to lockdown with a snarky caption, she left an eye-roll emoji on the post. 

‍Let’s Turn the Lens on You 

Fighting with your partner about values?

• On a day to day basis, prioritize common ground.
• In the heat of the moment, take a break. Cool down on your own.
• When you’re ready to talk, prioritize curiosity and compassion. 
• Ask questions, such as: how did you come to think this way?
• Listen for the underlying fears: what is your loved one afraid to lose? Why is this personal for them?
• Share with them your own fears. Tell them how you came to think this way, what you are afraid to lose, and why this is personal for you.
• Ask each other: what does a just and safe world look like to you?
• Ask: can we disagree on this and still respect each other? Or do we need to take space?

More From Esther

“Finding Freedom in What Feels Good” / a recent blog

It’s a common misconception that foreplay is just checking off the boxes and putting parts in motion to get us ready for sex and orgasms. Through this lens, foreplay is just not that interesting—at best—and full of pressure at worst. In this blog, we adjust the lens and embrace foreplay as the freedom to experience what feels good, for no other goal than pure pleasure—from a quick warmup to lasting erotic energy.

“Six Essential Practices to Improve Listening Skills in Relationships”/ a blog

Whether we are sharing a story, a greivance, a need, a want, or even a desire, nothing makes us feel more deeply connected than when we are engaged in a healthy balance of thoughtful speaking and hardcore listening. 

“The 3 Types of Relationship Fights You Keep Having—And What To Do About Them” / a blog

The deeper issues that drive escalation are rarely about the content of our fights—dirty dishes, too much time on our phone, politics, the kids. They’re about the needs, vulnerabilities, and biases that get triggered over and over. 

​​Conversation Starters

A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information       

I’m Reading & Listening To:

• “How one author is aspiring to make sex education more relatable for today's kids,” Cory Silverberg on NPR
• “How to Be Authentic: Simone de Beauvoir and the Quest for Fulfillment,” a new book by Skye C. Cleary
• “Klara and the Sun,” a novel by Kazuo Ishiguro
• “21 Lessons for the 21st Century,” a book by Yuval Noah Harari
• “The Hand of God,” a film by Paolo Sorrentino

Resources for Ukraine: 

• OneUkraine
• Slava Ukraini
• International Rescue Committee 
• Help for Internal Refugees 
• Life-Saving Equipment 
• Ukrainian Women Veterans Movement
• Hospitallers Working on the Frontline
• NGO for Traumatized Children
• Help for Nigerians Fleeing Ukraine
• National Bank for Ukraine Fund

Resources for Safe Abortion: 

• Abortion Resource Database
• Planned Parenthood
• National Abortion Federation
• The National Network of Abortion Funds [list by state]
• Plan C
• Abortion Finder
• Learn More About Abortion Laws In Your State [State Guide]

Resources for Gun Violence Awareness:

• Brady - United Against Gun Violence 
• Everytown for Gun Safety
• Giffords
• March For Our Lives
• States United to Prevent Gun Violence
• Disaster Distress Hotline
• Crisis Text Line

Shall We Begin?‍

‍When I was twenty-three, I was in a relationship that was too bad to stay and too good to leave. We were constantly breaking up and patching up. Anyone who has been in this kind of on and off relationship knows: when it's good, it’s great. And when it’s bad, it’s horrible. Relational Ambivalence—those contradictory thoughts and feelings of love and hate, attraction and disgust, excitement and fear—makes us constantly wonder: should I stay or should I go? The resulting whiplash is exhausting, not only for the people in the relationship but the people around it.

These relationships have a rhythm: we work ourselves into a fit, decide enough is enough, and finally break up. But, eventually, as we feel calmer and less smothered, our core vulnerabilities get momentarily relieved. And that little voice starts popping up: should we meet? Talk it out? Remember how great it was…when it was good? Maybe they reach out. Maybe we do. We meet at a café or better yet, a bar, in which a drink may help the walls come down. 

And suddenly, we are so wonderful at talking to each other. None of our buttons are being pushed. At least, not in a bad way. It’s flirty. We’re connecting, longing. We were silly to throw this away, weren’t we? We’ve invested so much. And there’s so much potential here. Inch by inch, look by look, we work our way back…only to blow it all up again a week later. Back then, my boyfriend and I decided the way to get out of this cycle was to go to couples therapy. We lasted one session. The therapist told us we were done. We called it quits but, a few days later, I telephoned her: how could you do this? You don’t know what we have! ‍

I’ll never forget what she told me. Her position was that, when you work with couples frozen in ambivalence, taking a stance for them can break the cycle. If they agree with you, they’ll experience relief in the permission they couldn’t give themselves. If they disagree, they’ll align against you instead of each other. Had she not taken a stance, she explained, she would be entering our dance with us—exploring the good one week and the bad the next, perpetuating the roller coaster. She didn’t want to be, what we call in therapy, “the homeostatic maintainer.” Looking back, I know she did us a favor. That said, after practicing therapy myself for decades now, I can say that taking a stance is rarely that simple.‍

‍Part of why experiencing Relational Ambivalence is so challenging is because it’s often a core feature of our most important relationships. How many of us hold contradictory feelings toward our own parents? Toward the sibling who never paid us back? Toward the dear, old friend who only ever talks about themself? Toward our job? Toward the place we live? Of course there are situations in which we need to definitively decide to stay or go. But there are just as many, if not more, situations in which our ability to hold our ambivalence is a sign that we understand and accept the complexities of life. ‍

‍As we grow, the challenge becomes—how do we know when to resolve the tension and when to hold the contradictions? It takes practice and patience. Dr. Alexandra Solomon, author of Loving Bravely, has said that “patience is also a form of action. It’s not purely passivity. It’s not a resignation.” Relational ambivalence is a fact of life. It will be in every relationship we have. This month, we’ll be exploring when it’s time to get off the ride and what it means when we want to hold on. ‍

Let’s Turn the Lens on You 

• Where has Relational Ambivalence shown up in your life? With family? With friends? With partners?
• What does it feel like? What is the language of it?
• In which situations did you feel you needed to make a resolution? Why?
• In which situations did you feel the resolution was to not make a definitive decision in either direction? 

More From Esther‍

‍“Twice Married. To Each Other.” / a new episode of “Where Should We Begin?”

The second half of season 5 has launched! In this new episode of Esther’s podcast “Where Should We Begin?,” we meet a couple who has married, divorced, and remarried—each other. With four kids between them, tensions run high. They fight about everything: the chores, the cats, who gets to tell who what to do. They come into the session with one story and Esther helps them write an alternate version.

‍“Our Comfort with Intimacy Has A Lot to do with These 7 Verbs” / a recent blog article‍

It’s been said that we need fifty words in a foreign language in order to speak it. In the language of intimacy, basic fluency comes down to just seven verbs. 

‍“New relationships are a part of life. So is ending them.” / a newsletter‍

We date exponentially more people than we marry, so it’s fair to assume that every seriously-partnered person out there is carrying around a few half-started situationships, lost loves, and heartbreaks.

‍Conversation Starters

A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information       

‍I’m Reading:

• “Make No Small Plans: Lessons on Thinking Big, Chasing Dreams, and Building Community,” a new book by Elliott Bisnow, Brett Leve, Jeff Rosenthal, and Jeremy Schwartz, co-founders of Summit
• “Loving Bravely,” by Dr. Alexandra Solomon
• “The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment” by Jack Morin
• “Alias Grace” by Margaret Atwood
• “La llave del abismo” by José Carlos Somoza

‍I’m Experiencing:

• I invite you to join me and the poet David Whyte for our virtual conversation “Intimacy and Independence: The Paradox of Love,” on April 24, 11 am PT. Register here.
• We will discuss: how do I stay connected to an inner sense of self without losing you? How do I stay connected to you without losing me? The holding together of that duality is one of the great paradoxes of love. To find that place inside us where we feel as if we are living a life we can call our own while enjoying the joy of close relationships may be one of the central triumphs of a human life. I hope you will join us.

‍Resources for Ukraine: 

• International Rescue Committee 
• Help for Internal Refugees 
• Life-Saving Equipment 
• Ukrainian Women Veterans Movement
• Hospitallers Working on the Frontline
• NGO for Traumatized Children
• Help for Nigerians Fleeing Ukraine
• National Bank for Ukraine Fund

Interested in going deeper on this topic? Join Esther for a free workshop on YouTube, May 11 at 3pm ET.

Shall We Begin?‍

It’s been estimated that there will be 2.5 million weddings this year, the most since 1984. As to why, there’s the obvious reasons—I know of couples who had to postpone their weddings up to three times due to Covid-19—and there’s the non-quantifiable factors. Crisis acts as an amplifier and an accelerator. If we were unsure of where our relationship might be going, disaster propels us to clarity. Many people have broken up during this era of prolonged uncertainty, but it seems even more people got engaged. And, when it comes to hard times, that may be a silver lining.

Spring is blooming all around us here in New York. Wedding bells are filling the air with a frequency we haven’t experienced since the “before times”. As invitations arrive, some for me and my husband and some for our sons—who are at that age when the number of weddings makes one wonder if buying a tux is a good investment—I’m feeling that familiar mix of excitement tinged with just a touch of dread. 

As we enter a wedding boom, I find myself eager for ones that break the mold. I’ve been thinking about the wedding traditions I love most (toasts and dancing) and which traditions seem outdated, lack inclusivity, or have become increasingly unrealistic. Denying a plus one to a friend in a serious partnership because they are not married? Requiring the bridal party to block out multiple weeks and pay thousands of dollars to participate? Dress codes that don’t allow for a diversity of body types and gender expressions? These all feel like distractions from the reasons we have weddings in the first place. 

Plenty of people commit to one another without ever getting married. Plenty of people get married without having a wedding. Our choice to have a wedding often has to do with what our families want for us, how we want to bring in our cultures and/or faiths, and for the simple fact that it is one of life’s greatest joys to bring so many people whom we love together for sake of witnessing a meaningful transition in our lives.

I love weddings. I have officiated three. I scan the couple and guests’ personal histories, ask them about their traditions, and help them articulate what they want from their wedding. And then I love to help them come up with new rituals. I focus my remarks around marriage as a contract, not just between partners but between the protagonists and their community. I facilitate a few practices to bring everyone into the circle: step forward if you have known one of the people getting married for less than a year, a decade, in their previous relationships… and continue the exercise going all the way back to birth. Knowing that weddings make us all think about our own relationship status, I ask: who here is in a relationship? Who would like to be in a relationship? Who is in one and would sometimes like to be out of it?” That one gets the laughs. These exercises have become the traditions I’ve built upon at every wedding.

Recently, I officiated a wedding between a Kikuyu Kenyan woman and a Jewish American man. We used a shuka, a large cloth worn by the Kikuyu people, into a chuppah, the canopy under which a couple marries in a Jewish wedding ceremony. We passed around the rings and I asked each guest to imbue them with an investment in this couple and in this community that has been gathered by their love. I instructed the couple to put the rings on each other halfway and then push them down the rest of the way on their own hands. I did this because of what it represents.

We get married to legally bind the declaration that we have chosen each other and that we have chosen to be loved by each other. We have weddings to contextualize those choices in our shared community. As for how we want to honor and celebrate those choices, we’re free to make it up.

‍Let’s Turn the Lens on You 

• What are the joyful aspects of weddings?
• What are the dreadful parts of weddings?
• What traditions feel outdated or problematic? 
• Do you experience weddings differently alone vs with a plus one? 
• What comes to mind when you think of weddings that have inspired you?
• If you’ve had a wedding, is there anything you wish you would have done differently?

‍More From Esther‍

“When Are You Most Drawn to Your Partner?” / a recent article

Reconciling the domestic and the erotic is a delicate balancing act in long-term relationships. It requires knowing your partner while recognizing their persistent mystery. Read more on the one simple question that reminds us to appreciate our partner’s otherness and what the four most common responses tell us. ‍

“Intimacy and Your 5 Senses” / an article

Eroticism is a counterforce to melancholy, and accessing it can be as simple as tuning into the senses we have available to us. When we invite Eroticism into our relationship, that container of intimacy expands around us, holding us together by a shared sense of wonder that both grounds and excites.  

‍“5 Ways to Start Conversations with Confidence” / an article

Attending a wedding this year? Here’s a resource to help you brush up on your small talk skills. When done well, small talk can be a sweet, touching, and thrilling experience. It’s a bridge between your life and the lives of others. 

‍Conversation Starters

A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information       

‍I’m Reading:

• “Tough: My Journey to True Power,” a new book by Terry Crews
• "You Know, Sex: Gender, Puberty, and Other Things," a new book by Cory Silverberg
• “Why the Past 10 Years of American Life Have Been Uniquely Stupid” by Jonathan Haidt (The Atlantic)
• “​​What You’re Feeling Isn’t A Vibe Shift. It’s Permanent Change” by Elamin Abdelmahmoud (Buzzfeed News)

Resources for Ukraine: 

• International Rescue Committee 
• Help for Internal Refugees 
• Life-Saving Equipment 
• Ukrainian Women Veterans Movement
• Hospitallers Working on the Frontline
• NGO for Traumatized Children
• Help for Nigerians Fleeing Ukraine
• National Bank for Ukraine Fund

Shall We Begin?‍

When I think of love, I associate it with the verb “to have.” When I think of desire, I associate it with the verb “to want.” In love, we seek safety, security, comfort, familiarity, and reliability. We want to know and to be known. We seek to neutralize the tension that comes with otherness, to minimize the distance between you and me. We want to be an “us.” 

Desire, on the other hand, thrives on otherness. We want novelty, someone on the other side of a bridge who makes us want to journey away from where we are to a place we’ve never been. Love enjoys knowing everything about you. Desire needs mystery. If love works hard to close the gap, desire is about reopening that space and bringing it to life. Modern love seeks to reconcile the tension between love and desire, together and separate, known and unknown. ‍

So much of my work exists within these paradoxes. This question of “can we desire what we already have” has been central for me for as long as I can remember—and so, too, for some of the greatest philosophers throughout time. And it’s not a coincidence that many of the issues people speak to me about so often come back to this. If we want to appreciate the person across the table from us, to see their light and spark, to revel in what made them so attractive to us in the first place, we have to intentionally stand back to see them more clearly. Only then can we appreciate our partner’s fundamental otherness—the persistent mystery in this person whom we love and know so deeply.‍

It’s not always an easy exercise, trust me. My husband is also a psychotherapist, but where I often deal with pleasure, he deals with pain. There is overlap in our work, but his expertise is in trauma, and it informs his work as a painter as well. When I see him in his element—speaking on stage or painting in his studio—he is no longer my husband who didn’t clean the dishes this morning. I can see him through the eyes of the people in the audience. And even as I gesture for him to lift his microphone closer to his face or try to telepathically remind him of a talking point, a little voice pops up: he doesn’t need you right now.‍

You would think that message would hurt, but it has the opposite effect. When we allow ourselves to see our partner in their flow state, to see that they are self-sufficient—whether it's working on their car or in the yard or making their colleagues laugh at a holiday party—we allow ourselves to find the stranger within the person who has become so familiar to us. It’s enough to make us want to get to know them all over again.‍

Let’s Turn the Lens on You 

Try this exercise, adapted from the work of my colleague Hedy Schleifer:

• Come together with your partner. 
• Close your eyes for 30 seconds. 
• Open them and look at your partner for a solid few minutes as if you are looking at them for the first time. 
• Who is this person outside of how you define them in relation to yourself and your own needs? 
• How does this person show up in the vast expanse of the world outside of your relationship?
• What do you want to know about that person?‍

‍More From Esther

“Security and Freedom”  / a newsletter‍

From the moment we are born, we straddle two sets of contradicting needs: the need for security and the need for freedom. They spring from different sources and pull us in different directions. And the issue today is that we want to reconcile this tension in our romantic relationships.‍

“When Transitioning between Stages of a Relationship, Practice Adaptability” / a blog article‍

Adaptability in couples is about responding to life's changing circumstances with good communication and a lot of flexibility.‍

“Six Essential Practices to Improve Listening Skills in Relationships” / a recent article‍

The qualities that make a good listener may seem obvious, but they can be quite nuanced. It’s a delicate balance of receiving and reciprocating—taking information and giving attention and care. The way we listen shapes the conversation as much as the way we speak or respond.‍

Conversation Starters

A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information       ‍

I’m Reading:

• “Maus” by Art Spiegelman
• “The Bluest Eye” by Toni Morrison
• “Traumatic Narcissism and Recovery” by Daniel Shaw
• “Top Five Regrets of the Dying” by Bronnie Ware
  

I’m Looking Forward To:‍

• My colleague, and Sessions guest, Sierra Campbell will be speaking at The Art of Dying and Living: An Exploration of Life, Death, and the Afterlife, a virtual conference taking place ​​this Feb 24 - 27. I hope you will join.

Shall We Begin?

Have you ever felt helpless trying to help a loved one?‍

We know the stories: the alcoholic mother/brother/friend who keeps getting in trouble. The father who has been borrowing money from his adult children with the intent to pay it back but never following through. The troubled teenager whose antics torment their family, keeping them up at night. The friend who won’t leave her abusive relationship. The depressive sister who can’t get out of her rut.‍

And you: the siblings, the parents, the partners, the friends alternating between helplessness, anger, resentment, mistrust, and the power of our own denial. If I just give them one more chance, maybe this will be the time they change. A parade of resourceful people continuously trying to help, sharing leads, bailing them out at ungodly hours of the night, pleading and threatening. We’re hopeful. We’re terrified. What if our loved ones do something to themselves if we don't step in? Even if they've not engaged in suicidal tendencies, we fear their impulsivity. That fear grips us by the belly. Most of the time, we live in the I'm going to save you mode, but then comes the exasperation—if you want to waste your life, just do it. It’s a visceral rollercoaster.

Or maybe you’re the one in the hole and you struggle to take responsibility. The most important first step is to acknowledge your actions: “I know how hard you’ve tried to help me and how frustrating this must be for you.” The more people can acknowledge a shared reality, the more grounded they feel, which creates connection and builds trust. ‍

Zoom out. Internally, the destructive loved one may feel weak and depleted, but interpersonally they wield so much power. They activate the entire system—their family and community—to try to get them out of their hole. It's often a Sisyphean effort. For those of us attempting to help, every time we try to lift them, they defeat us. The more we overfunction; the more they underfunction. And, in the end, we are as stuck as they are. ‍

Zoom out farther. At times, this moral dilemma is characterized by codependence. At other times, guilt or shame. We often ask ourselves why our loved one is this way. Childhood abuse? Disease? Disorder? A narcissistic parent? Did they feel small compared to their sibling? What was the perceived slight that made them so needy? Our empathy seeks a narrative so that we may try to organize the chaos. We ponder amateurish diagnoses for our own sanity. Maybe they’re like this with everyone; maybe it’s not just me. ‍

I’ve been there myself. I rarely ask my self-destructive friend, "how are you?" because I know I’ll just get the favor and the story. The favor is often a loan for a grandiose scheme. The story is often an excuse for why the last debt was never repaid. So, instead, we stick to politics and our kids. He’s wonderful and generous, but he is disconnected from reality and I’ve gotten lured into his fictions more than once.‍

And boy, do we want to believe those fictions: that they will stop drinking, gambling, hoarding, lying, or whatever it may be, because, deep down, we love them beyond comprehension. Needless to say, it’s not sustainable. It’s not healthy. So let’s strategize.

Let’s Turn the Lens on You

The dynamic you are experiencing is extremely common.

• ‍Refrain from creating a master narrative around the behavior. Correlation is not the same as causation.
• ‍Know that it is okay to love this person. Some of the worst husbands have made the best fathers; and vice versa. We know of parents who have financially ruined their families but never missed a baseball game. We can’t separate the light and the dark. 
• ‍But love them with your eyes open. Avoid sharing financial investments, loaning money, and falling for the same excuses over and over. 
• ‍If you want to have “the talk,” keep calm and stay on script. “This is an issue and not just with me. You do this with everybody. Why do you feel entitled to behave this way? I care about you but you are hurting me.”
• ‍But be prepared for the denial battle. You want them to see how their behavior is harmful. You want them to own it. But the more you push, the more they may deny and turn it back on you, at which point, ask for space and walk away. No need to further engage at this time.
• ‍Get backup. These are problems that often need multi-pronged resources and interventions, from the neighbors to the courts. ‍
• CrisisTextLine.org is a great resource. Crisis counselors are available 24/7 to those who text them for help. Just text “home” to 741741. 
• ‍Don’t lose hope. You’re not alone and you’re not without resources. And I’ve heard many stories of people who have pulled through their issues with the help of therapists, friends, family, treatment, good information, and/or hard work. It is possible.

More From Esther

How to Find the Right Therapist For You / A Guide‍

If you and/or your loved one doesn’t already have a therapist, start with my article about how to find the right one. And consider reading some of the books included at the bottom of this letter.‍

Where Should We Begin / Season 3‍

The wait is over! Season 3 of Where Should We Begin will launch on Gimlet, a Spotify company, on October 10, 2019, and all other platforms shortly thereafter. Step into my office to listen in on one-time only therapy sessions with real couples navigating the complexities of modern relationships. This season on the podcast, I will be exploring the evolution of marriage through the stories of six couples at different points in their relationships. Follow Where Should We Begin on Spotify to get automatic episode updates.‍

(Unsent) Love Letters / A collaboration with Boston Globe
I asked my social network to send me copies of their unsent love letters. With Boston Globe Love Letters columnist, Meredith Goldstein, I read through your notes full of love, loss, lust, regret, heartache, and gratitude, and selected five for this new series.

Conversation Starters

A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information   

I’m Reading: 

• “Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder” by Paul T. Mason, MS, and Randy Kreger
• “I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression” by Terrence Real.
• “The Relaxation Response” by Herbert Benson
• “Heal Your Body,” by Louise Hay
• “The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression” by Andrew Solomon 
• “The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling” by Jeanne Safer 
• Psychology Today’s January 2019 cover story“Seeing Beyond Depression” by Edward Bullmore M.D. ‍

I’m Watching: 

• “The Dishonesty Project,” a documentary that explores dishonesty, inspired by the work of social scientist, Dan Ariely.
• Andrew Solomon’s TED Talks
• Depression, the secret we share
• How the worst moments in our lives make us who we are
• Andrew Solomon’s documentary “Far From The Tree”
• HBO’s Euphoria

My monthly newsletter and workshop are meant to inspire you to reflect, act, and develop greater confidence and relational intelligence in all of your relationships. This month's theme is: New Relationships. To continue the conversation, join me for a free live workshop on this month’s theme on Wednesday, January 19 at 3pm ET.

Shall We Begin?

It feels so good to click with a new person romantically. Conversation flows. Inside jokes develop. Every little touch on the arm, a growing frisson. Perfect evenings lead to soft weekend mornings soaking up each others’ glow, sharing stories over coffee, having sex, showing each other new music, having more sex…. When we’re apart, the anticipation grows until the next time we meet up. And we want to meet up more than anything. This new person moves from the periphery toward the center of our lives. We begin to organize our time, thoughts, and plans around someone who, just a few days or weeks ago, we never even knew existed. Everything indicates forward motion, and then, one day, maybe a few weeks or months in, something changes. Time stretches between communications—followed by non-committal answers, growing vagueness, and an altogether thinning. Something, it becomes clear, has unclicked. 

Has this ever happened to you?‍

Unclicking happens in life… a lot. We date exponentially more people than we marry, so it’s fair to assume that every seriously-partnered person out there is carrying around a few half-started situationships, lost loves, and heartbreaks. Exploring new relationships is a part of life. So is ending them. But even after decades in a mostly happy, healthy, committed partnership, every now and then that strange pang of long-ago rejection can pop-up (usually when we’re feeling insecure about something entirely unrelated in our contemporary life). ‍

I still remember when, after a month together, a guy I was dating in university came to me to say he no longer wanted to continue. (At the time, we still broke up with people in person.) I was blindsided. For weeks, I carried a small torch of hope that we would reconcile. I went to all the places we used to go together: the cafeteria, the spot on the lawn, the cinema, gatherings with mutual friends. But he had vanished, taking with him our shared routines and rituals—and a good chunk of my self-worth. For months, I saw nobody and thought that nobody saw me. And then, eventually, my eyes opened again. I felt the invitation in me that would allow someone new to enter. It was the first time I experienced this, but it would not be the last. For a long time, I carried the belief that the next love would help repair the shards of the previous breakup. It helped, but not as much as accepting the reality: there is no love without the threat of loss.‍

In my 20s in Belgium, the general rule of dating was that when one chapter ended, another began. This meant that, if you weren’t in a long-term relationship, dating was a constant cycle of beginnings and endings. Modern dating is vastly different, but these age old patterns of nascent exhilaration and agony have remained fixed. We hope. We hurt. We hope and hurt with someone new, mostly healing on the shoulders of friends. And maybe, eventually, we find someone with whom we endure the ups and downs together for a very, very long time—not as an experience of validation or rejection that makes or breaks a relationship, but as a part of the relationship itself. 

The tricky part with dating, particularly when it comes to a few months in, is that we don’t have any way of knowing definitively which way it’s going to go. And so, if we want to be in a romantic relationship, we have to keep trying. Time alone is very important, too, but cultivating an openness to possibility makes life richer. Perhaps counterintuitively, it helps to know that heartbreak is inevitable whether we’re together for a few months or for the rest of our lives. The difference is whether we’ll part ways to heal on our own or do it together. ‍

Let’s Turn the Lens on You 

Answer these questions for yourself—then ask them.

• What do you most enjoy about the beginning of relationships? 
• What do you dread about the beginning of relationships?
• What questions would you like to ask me but are too afraid to ask?
• How do you feel about monogamy? 
• How do you feel about polyamory?
• What is your idea of a perfect romantic evening?
• What is an aspect of sexuality that feels mysterious to you? 
• Where is the strangest place you’ve had sex?
• What non-sexual thing feels sexual to you?
• Do you have any big deal breakers? 
• What are some “green flags” for you in relationships? ‍

More From Esther

‍“Promises and Resolutions” / a newsletter ‍

What if we tried to better understand how the parts of us which we perceive as shameful hold us back—instead of burying them under unfulfilled gym memberships and the dreaded quest to “be our most authentic selves?”‍

“Dating Advice for Turning a Spark into a Flame” / an article‍

What determines the success or disappointment of a first date? It's not all about the immediate spark. Read more to explore my dating advice that will point you away from playing games and toward creating authentic connections from the start‍

“Six Essential Practices to Improve Listening Skills in Relationships” / a recent article‍

The qualities that make a good listener may seem obvious, but they can be quite nuanced. It’s a delicate balance of receiving and reciprocating—taking information and giving attention and care. The way we listen shapes the conversation as much as the way we speak or respond.‍

Conversation Starters

A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information       ‍

I’m Experiencing:

• Ten years ago, the concept of “collective healing” was barely acknowledged, let alone “collective resilience.” The new edition of my husband’s book “Collective Trauma, Collective Healing,” has recently been republished as a classic. Congratulations Jack Saul. You are truly a visionary, always a step ahead of the collective imagination.
• Each year for the holidays, my son, Noam Saul, gifts me a curated playlist of music from around the world. Interestingly, there are 17 languages on his list—and I, myself, speak quite a few (9)—but Noam and I have often not been the best verbal communicators. Music has narrowed the gap between us. It is, for me, a window into his soul and, for him, into mine. You can listen here. ‍
• I’m excited to be teaching In Search of Eros: Navigating Love, Lust, and Commitment at the Wisdom & Wellbeing Weeks at Blue Spirit in Costa Rica January 15-22, 2022. I welcome you to join me there.

Shall We Begin?

It was a bad therapy day. We were recording a one-time anonymous session for my podcast “Where Should We Begin,” but by the end of it, I was convinced the material was unusable. The recently married, early 30s, white American couple (and new parents) sitting across from me were bickering to no end. 

From sex to money to in-laws, they had fallen into a pattern of not hearing a single word the other was saying. Well, they were hearing the words, but only for the purpose of rebuttal. They both couldn’t help themselves from cringing, rolling their eyes, shaking their heads, and sighing every time the other spoke. Each partner’s whole body seemed to express an inability to accept a different reality from its own. ‍

But her tendency to speak over him, filling in details about his point of view—not as he had told her but as she saw it—was crashing the session. And he wasn’t any better. He would let her talk, fail to acknowledge any validity, and then pick the one thing he could refute. They were stuck in a feedback loop, leaving them both feeling trapped and frustrated. I knew they wanted to be better, more caring and loving; this is why they came. 

I wanted to know, how long had they been hearing each other without listening? I couldn’t even get there. They were locked in a cycle of negative escalation of blame, attack, counter-attack, and defense. The path forward, as a therapist, is to help them develop some basic skills for self-regulation to lessen the reactivity and to structure practices for listening. Usually, I would emphasize ways to connect to their own needs and be empathic to the others’. But they were cutting each other off so quickly that I began to experience some dysregulation myself. I was being inducted into their system. My therapeutic stance was slipping. And suddenly… 

I snapped. They had given me license to be direct—but had I been too direct? Had my reaction been inappropriate or unhelpful? I cringed at the reality that I would have to hear this failure played back as a podcast episode. I won’t tell you what I said (the tone is perhaps more important), but you can hear it for yourself because, after all that, we decided to release it as an episode anyway (linked below).

After decades of practice, I have learned that I can be critical about my work without falling into a slump of self-criticism, but it helps to be reminded. After I shared the episode with my supervision group, I tried to do the very thing I had advised the couple to do: listen openly to feedback. “We have to remember,” my peer told me, “that when people aren’t listening, it’s because they don’t feel heard.”‍

I reached out to the couple. I wanted them to know that, however inelegant my intervention had been, I was invested in their wellbeing. I was happily surprised to learn that things had gotten much better between them. “Instead of staying neutral or diplomatic like most people would have,” they said, “you told us what we really needed to hear.” I read the rest of their letter aloud, listening deeply to their words: “you told us we’re not broken and that we can work through this. I’ve listened to it completely.” 

Let’s Turn the Lens on You 

• Pick a person very close to you with whom you sometimes have difficulty communicating.
• How do you rank their listening skills? 
• How do you rank your own? 
• Invite them to listen to the podcast episode with you and have a mini-pod club.
• Resist the urge to compare their listening skills to the couple’s. 
• Instead, focus on your own.
• Take turns practicing deep listening to each other as you each recap and react to what you have heard in the episode.
• How did it go?‍

More From Esther

“I Don’t Mean To Be Mean But….” / a podcast episode‍

Listen to Season 5, episode 4 of “Where Should We Begin?,” referenced in the story above. She has no boundaries; he’s walled off. And their opposing communication styles cause immediate tension in this explosive session. So much so, that Esther finds herself adding to the chorus of angry voices.‍

“The Art of Conversation” / a newsletter‍

The art of conversation is a healthy balance of thoughtful speaking and hardcore listening. ‍

“Relationship Stress at a High? Try Spending Time With Friends” / a blog article‍

Where did we get this idea that one person is supposed to provide every facet of emotional connection available to man?‍

“When Transitioning Between Stages of a Relationship, Practice Adaptability” / a blog article‍

Adaptability in couples is about responding to life’s changing circumstances with good communication and a lot of flexibility.‍

Conversation Starters

A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information       ‍

I’m Watching/Listening: 

• In Conversation: Lupita Nyong’o & Librarian of Congress Dr. Carla Hayden 
• The Wisdom of Trauma, a film ft. ​​Dr. Gabor Maté
• The French Dispatch, a film by Wes Anderson
• The Innocent, a mini-series by Oriol Paulo
  

I’m Experiencing:

• I’m excited to be teaching In Search of Eros: Navigating Love, Lust, and Commitment at the Wisdom & Wellbeing Weeks at Blue Spirit in Costa Rica January 15-22, 2022. I welcome you to join me there.

Shall We Begin?

I recently traveled to Belgium, where I grew up, to give my first live lectures in two years, in Antwerp and then in Amsterdam. I engaged in my typical preparation ritual: calling my closest friends in each place and having them spread the word to our little groups. This includes four girlfriends whom I’ve known since age six. As soon as we began to plan the various gatherings, I found myself in a kind of platonic foreplay. “I’ll get us tickets to the theater,” said one. “I've already bought the pralines you like,” said another. We discussed sleeping arrangements, shopping, museums, cafés, and those who’d come for the night from Paris. I felt that familiar anticipatory joy take hold of me. In my bedroom in New York, the words of my friends transported me into their arms and their kitchens long before I arrived.‍

Since I couldn’t see everyone separately, I gathered them all around the table and I asked that they each tell us something about their experiences of the last two years. Fourteen people had different accounts, which they themselves had not yet articulated. There had been deaths, divorces, isolation, and cautious reconnection. Some of our children had gotten married; others had broken up. Part of witnessing each others’ lives is witnessing the lives of each others’ children. I see friendship as a relational network of generations. 

While some of my friendships are tight knots, others are loose threads. I think of the parents of my childrens’ friends in New York with whom I had once been so close. My boys grew up in their homes and their children grew up in mine. In many cases, I know very little about them now, but at the time, our friendship was an instrumental part of raising our young families. These circumstantial friendships are important, too. Sometimes they come back in new contexts. More often, we can just be grateful they happened, or—depending on the situation—relieved to move on.‍

Friendship is a love story. Different from romantic or filial love, it’s its own unique love story. Making friends is the first free choice relationship we have as kids. Our friends provide community and continuity in an ever-changing world. Our lifelong friends are our witnesses. They accompany us through the trials and tribulations of lovers that come and go, job changes, family rifts, births, deaths, and recoveries. And we are a witness for them, commiserating or celebrating together over morning coffee or late-night phone calls. ‍

The first episode of season five of my podcast, Where Should We Begin?, is all about friendship. Two lifelong friends in their twenties have come to my office because they worry that the intense, shared experiences that once formed the foundation of their friendship have faded. More importantly, they each believe the other one doesn’t need them anymore. I love this episode because it illustrates one of my favorite aspects of the show: people come in with one story about their relationship and end up leaving with another. I won’t tell you what happens, but if you’d like to listen, it premieres this week. Click follow here and you’ll be notified when it comes out. Consider listening with a friend. I know I will. ‍

Let’s Turn the Lens on You 

Let’s take a friendship pulse check.

• To whom do you owe a phone call?
• Do you have a friendship that would benefit from clearer boundaries?
• Have you ever broken up with a friend? Why?
• Has a friend ever broken up with you? Why?
• To whom might you owe an apology?
• What does friendship feel like when it’s great?
• With whom would you like to spend a whole day?‍

More From Esther

Esther Calling: “Losing My Best Friend” / a new short series from "Where Should We Begin?"‍

As a way of being able to connect with more of you, Esther is trying a couple of new things. Esther Calling is one of them. You write in with a relationship concern and Esther calls you to talk through it. In the second episode, we meet a woman who feels she is losing her best friend to a bad marriage. Esther talks her through a new way to see their relationship and where to go from here.‍

“Connection” / a newsletter‍

A throwback to our first newsletter. Read all about Esther’s models for connection and friendship.

The Great Adaptation / A multidisciplinary training event‍

Social connection is essential for therapists and clients alike. Sessions Live 2021 is a virtual event hosted by Esther Perel for mental health professionals to come together to counteract the isolation and burnout that has intensified this year. Across three Saturday sessions, we will explore how to support and resource each other in a period of overlapping large scale crises.

‍Conversation Starters

A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information       ‍

On My To Read List:

• ‍“The Great Resignation is Accelerating” by Derek Thompson (The Atlantic)‍
• The End of Love by Eva Illouz‍
• Reclaiming Pleasure by Holly Richmond, PhD‍
• trauma: the invisible epidemic by Paul Conti, MD ‍

I’m Watching/Listening: 

• Brené Brown and Amy Cuddy on Pandemic Flux Syndrome (Dare to Lead podcast)‍
• “I Spent A Pandemic Behind A Grocery Store Cash Register” (Going for Broke With Ray Suarez podcast with guest Ann Larson)