Where did we get the idea that we have to learn how to love all on our own?Ā Have you ever ended a relationship because you needed to āwork on yourself?ā Have you ever said āI need to learn how to love myself before I can love anyone elseāand before I can learn how to be loved?Ā
Western culture is obsessed with the exhortation of individualism. In the past few years, the lexicon of the āSelfāāself-love, self-care, self-made, the selfie, etc.āhas sparked intense debate. Has āself-loveā become a marketing term so that beauty brands can sell more products under the guise of wellness? Is self-care making us more self-critical? Is Kylie Jenner really the youngest āself-madeā billionaire if she started her business with family money and fame? Does a āselfieā show the world our most empowered self or does it present a better-lit and maybe even slightly tweaked version of how we think weād like to look?Ā When people say ālove thyself,ā I wonder, which one?Ā ā
While the idea of selfhood is not new, different cultures map the self on a continuum: unique or varied, separate or together, independent or conformist. And our ideas about the self are evolving. In the west,Ā we tend to see the self as a separate entityĀ with clear boundaries that delineate an independent identity. This vision of the self is comprised of internal ruminations about confidence, doubt, happiness, failure, ability, disability, and privilege or lack thereof. But the self is also entangled in a cosmic connection with the people around us and with social, political, and economic structures.Ā We donāt just learn to love ourselves by ourselves.Ā Itās a classic chicken or the egg scenario: in order to love another, we must love ourselves. In order to love ourselves, we must allow ourselves to be loved by others. And we must recognize that negative self-esteem is riddled with societal messages about who is lovable, laudable, or loathsome.Ā
It can be wonderful to be alone, to give our body a massage, to cook ourselves a delicious meal for one,Ā but this isnāt self-love, itās self-reliance and self-sufficiency. Self-love, on the other hand, is closer to my colleague Terry Realās explanation of self-esteem, our ability to see ourselves as a flawed individual and still hold ourselves in high regard.Ā Self-love is the ability to not fall into a puddle of contempt even when we mess up.Ā Itās trying new things knowing that we could fail, without thinking of ourselves, therefore, as failures.Ā Can we take that understanding and self-compassion into our connections with others?ā
On my way to the airport recently, I realized I had left my passport, wallet, and computer at home. My multiple selves instantly began a cacophony in my head,Ā how could you do this? Youāre going to miss your flight.Ā And then a new voice emerged:Ā Perel, what a good thing this is happening to you in your sixties.Ā This was the voice IĀ tuned into.Ā ā
Had this scenario happened thirty years ago, Iād be mercilessly beating myself up. I would have said to myselfĀ what the hell is wrong with you? Youāre so stupid. Go hide.Ā But this new voice saidĀ you made a mistake. It happens. Now what?Ā I picked up the phone and called my assistant, a travel agent, my husband, and a friend to see if she wanted to grab coffee with the new free time I found myself with.Ā For me, this is self-love. And look how many people it involved.ā
For this reason, I also resist the term āself-madeāāthat mentality of āif I make it, I did it on my own and if I end up on the street, I only have myself to blame.āĀ Human beings are simultaneously dependent and self-reliant.Ā When I write a book, I start with the acknowledgments, because without those people, I couldn't have written the book. I'm massively dependent on the expertise, help, presence, and love of others. We all are.Ā
Self-love is less about the ability to withstand loneliness or establish independence and more about awareness and acceptance of our incompleteness. Itās about letting others love us even when we feel unlovable because their version of us is often kinder than our own.Ā
What does self-love look like for you? Try asking yourself the following questions:
Why Eroticism Should Be Part of Your Self-Care Planā
Tune into your body and let it teach you what you like, donāt like, and what you donāt know yet.ā
The Value of Letter Writingā
Though the inbox has mostly replaced the mailbox, letters remain an essential part of my life. Hereās how to incorporate letter writing into yours.Ā
A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information.ā
Iām Reading:Ā
Iām Watching:Ā
Iām Listening To:Ā
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