February, 2011
Liliana has accidentally discovered Dani’s porn on his computer, and she’s flipped. “How can you look at that, I feel betrayed, you are cheating on me.” Follow the personal attacks. “You call yourself a decent person? What kind of father does this, what message are you sending your children?” Dani’s 49 and a tv producer, Liliana, 42 is an art director. They have 3 kids from 2 marriages.
He reacts to her judgments: “I didn’t do this to hurt you. Is the problem for you that I masturbate or that I look at porn? He goes on; “It is far less risky to jerk off to an actress than to fantasize about my 28 year old secretary bend over my desk”. Dani feels and acts like a 14y.o boy who’s been caught. On the one hand he feels he isn’t doing anything wrong, on the other his need to justify himself hints at his guilt and shame. He resent her being the thought police.
Ironically, like Dani, many men think watching porn at home porn prevents them from being unfaithful, while for many women, like Liliana it is an infidelity.
Dani sees porn as limited and less risky, carefully chosen stimulation–a generic woman comes at you, “You don’t project anything on the woman, porn does the fantasy for you.” His fantasy isn’t about her, could be anybody, there is not emotional involvement, rather, “it’s one with yourself”. You can pay someone to be that person.” He explains. Whereas with the secretary, there is a more active engagement with the fantasy, it is more transgressive, more real, a more concrete seductive fantasy that could become reality. Dani doesn’t want an affair, but for Liliana, it’s all the same.
Many questions emerge from their crisis. What is the continuum of monogamy and fidelity? And what are the gradations of betrayal? Is masturbation without porn ok? What about massages with happy endings, [(NFT)(ending with a hand job)] , strip clubs, prostitutes, or an affair with a real person? Is chat infidelity? Reconnecting with an ex on facebook? And finally: Would he do porn if he had more and better sex with his wife? Or does he find something in cyberspace that is uniquely compelling. Probably yes, although he also knows that as a man who sees himself as a constant pleaser in his life and he gets off on scenes of submissive women who surrender to his will.
Before kids, Liliana was game, and she indulged in his fantasies. Today she attributes her resistance to her domestic worries. But Dani laments her disconnect from her own sexuality:” She doesn’t view it as valid anymore, and she doesn’t understand the importance of the erotic dimension in our relation and this is a big loss for him.” When they try to talk, it quickly escalates into a Mexican standoff: who’s to say what’s valid?”
Dani is clear that he doesn’t want to hurt her, and he doesn’t fully understand why watching porn is equivalent to betrayal. However, if Liliana was chatting to a man on-line, he would feel betrayed unless she’d bring the fantasy into their relation, which of course means that it is no longer her fantasy, but theirs.
There is the question of what is monogamy of the mind? At what stage do people put their marriage at risk? How much sexual freedom are we expected to give up in return for a stable, secure and hopefully long term relationship?
Dani and Liliana need a sound conversation about porn, family, and infidelity. Not the doing part, nor doing of the fantasy, but what the fantasy does for him. Maybe not surprisingly, after Lilana’s discovery, they had the best sex they’ve had in a year. Nothing like the fear of loss, or anger to ignite the fires.
