January, 2011
Women are constantly told that they need to tell their partner what feels good to them sexually, to be pro-active with their desire, more assertive and bold. For many women, this proves difficult. They remain passive and take from their sexual encounters what they can get. Women tell me that they like to linger in the pleasures of the preliminaries, they like them as much, if not more than the act itself, yet they accommodate to their partner and abdicate their wants. They go along with a more male definition of sex, where foreplay is the mere introduction to the “real” thing.
But it is precisely the anticipation, the seduction the playful touch, the kissing stroking and gazing into each others eyes, all the stuff that fuels desire and excitement -that make her feel desired- those exquisite aspects of foreplay that for them are the “real thing”.
Many of the women I work with worry that they take too long to culminate, that their partner will be bored. Once he reaches orgasm, they give up theirs as if his rhythm defines hers.
They fake their orgasms, they pretend. They say: “His ego is too fragile.” “I don’t think he can hear me.” I don’t want to hurt him.” Or: “I don’t want him to be angry and to reject me.” Or even “I don’t know what I want, all I know is that I don’t want what I have. “
Joanna tells me: ”Here I am, energy rising in my body and Theo immediately takes charge. If I get slightly turned on, he takes it as a sign that he can proceed straight to the gate for take off. He’ll stimulate me for 30 seconds and get inside me.
And in my mind I go: Oh gosh I wish he would move a little gently, have his hand all over my body. Then I might say if you kiss me over here, so I’ll give him a sort of hint of what would feel good. Sometimes he gets it, and he responds.
Guys make it clear that they can hear the guidance, they can’t stand the criticism. It eats away at their sexual confidence. “No sooner do I touch her that she starts dictating me what to do. I feel so tense following instructions. This tickles, this rubs, here she is too dry, and there she is too wet. Slower, faster, harder, softer, it doesn’t stop.” Obviously this dialogue is bound to undermine their sexual relation.
Suggestions:
As a rule, sexual communication around what and how should be discussed outside the bedroom, not while you are engaging with each other.
There’s a lot to gain from showing your partner nonverbally what you like. Gently take his hand, guide it, move around so that you place yourself where you like it. Books, magazines, videos will help you too.
Expressing appreciation for having your partner in your life is critical to helping him feel confident to take in your needs, without seeing your complaint as a diminishment of his masculinity. After all, too many men still believe that a “Real man should know all what a woman needs.”
Both men and women fall in the trap, that if you need to tell, it means there is no good sexual connection. How about: If you can communicate your wants, it is the sign of a good sexual vibe.
Unfortunately, for women and for men, when we feel sexually frustrated, we are irritable, less patient, more aggressive and tactless. Instead of saying “I would like more stroking”, we say, “Why do you always go straight for my breasts?” “You never kiss me” “I have told you so many times that I don’t want you to finish inside me” “you’re deaf”, “you’re dense…” and the crowning put down: “I never had this problem with my previous boyfriend.”
Together you will stage the defeat of the negative cycles:
Take a big poster, place it above your bed and every time a criticism is mentioned you just write it. As many pages as you need. When you are about to go to bed, and especially when you hoping to make love, you a must read them out loud together, before starting anything. Have fun. Like you’re paying honor to the criticism. You can already read it. Do you have some you can come up with on the spot? Go ahead.
